You Are a Liberal Republican |
When you tell people that you're Republican, they rarely believe you.
That's because you're socially liberal - likely pro-choice and pro-gay rights.
You're also not so afraid of big goverment, as long as it benefits people and not politicians.
You are the most likely of any Republican type to swing over to the Democrat side sometimes.
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Aha, that's me in a nutshell! |
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OMG BUSH Is teh winnar!!1!1 WTF LOL |
Halloween is almost upon us, gnawing ever closer like the hungry specter of death.
The history of Halloween goes back pretty far, and to be honest, I don't really know any of it because I was never allowed to celebrate it. I did see an episode of a "Ghostbusters" cartoon that explored the origins of Halloween, and I think it was explained that the annual holiday was designed to appease the millions of demonic spirits slavering for a chance to haunt the crap out of us. Assuming "Ghostbusters" to be empirically correct, I have no choice but to accept the validity of this ridiculous holiday. I'm not going to put on a costume and go door-to-door begging for a hit of sugar, but I suppose I'd be overstepping my bounds if I shot anybody who makes the mistake of coming to my dorm with intent to score candy from me. I work hard for my unearned money, and there is simply no way I can justify spending even the smallest amount to feed a bunch of greedy children with candy that could otherwise go to me. You hear that kids? You'll have to pry this candy from my cold dead hands!
A complete ignorance on the history of Halloween might prevent a normal person from doing a historical look at the haunted holiday, but I'm far from a normal person. History, as you know, goes forwards and backwards. Right now, or rather, soon from now, the future will become the past. I need only write about the future for it to eventually become history. I beg you to stand back, children and the elderly, for my strange and arcane powers are as unstable as a microwave jam-packed with a pirate's plunder of light bulbs and batteries!
Halloween 2004
People will decorate their houses and dwellings with benignly scary décor, such as ghastly homemade skeletons, fake tombstones and cobwebs, and the bodies of murdered coal miners who dared to take coal from the infamous haunted mine beneath Devil's Hill. On the eve of Halloween, children will hit the streets wearing strange and beguiling costumes inspired by fantasy and fiction. The children will either knock on doors or ring doorbells, a stimulus that will cause adults to salivate and joyfully distribute candy to the youngsters like altruistic vending machines. This ritual is known as "trick or treating" and its name likely has origins in professional prostitute terminology.
Halloween 2011
Goth kids will celebrate Halloween by dressing up in conservative clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch, a departure from their traditional gaudy wardrobes inspired by Victorian era homosexuals. Unfortunately for them, they will still get beaten senseless by jocks, who, ironically, will be dressed as Victorian era homosexuals.
Halloween 2025
A group of furries gets gunned down when they try to trick or treat at a wild game hunting range. Because the victims did not consider themselves human the killers will not be charged with any crimes.
Halloween 2084
Highly compressed digital images of sugared candy will be downloaded directly into the brains of joyful trick-or-treaters, bypassing the need to even leave the house. Like all good things, this change won't last long because of those damn diabetic kids. They ruin everything.
I hope I didn't terrify you folks too much with my diabolical dissection of forthcoming time. Good luck trick or treating this year, and I hope none of you get poisoned or even think about trying to get candy from me. |
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple Filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
"The First filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the Second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a Third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well, No, not really but..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. He went away without another word.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and was held in such high esteem.
......It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife. |
Boo Red Sox! Go Cardinals!
Boo Browns! Go Eagles!
That is all. |
| » 'Tis the season to be German |
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Whoop-de-do, I'm updating again! Seeing as the month of October has us in its cold clutches I figured that as an educated college student it's my civic responsibility to research the people behind the fabled holiday called Oktoberfest.
The German people are fascinating and definitely worthy of study. I would have gone out and observed one of the many Oktoberfest celebrations in the area, but I have a horrible fear of the outdoors and its many mind-controlling microbes. As such, I did my research like any other true scholar - by typing related words (such as "German," "Germans," and "Goddamnit, I said 'German'") into the Google image search and making broad, sweeping generalizations based on the pictures. For starters, the Germans tend to be fat, mostly from eating children. Now, before you fire off your angry comments (God knows I don't need more of those), let me qualify that by saying that they primarily eat disobedient and irritating children. Just look at Hansel and Gretel. German parents use that story to teach their children a valuable lesson, namely, "obey your father or fucking get eaten." If you need more evidence (although I don't know why you would), just look at German food. It's "brat" this and "brat" that. From sauerbrat, which is made from brats and lemons, to bratwurst, which is made from the very worst brats, anyone can see that when Germans get hungry, the first thing they look for is a whiny, annoying, sassmouthed brat who no one would miss. All those children must make Germans thirsty, because they can often be seen drinking a golden liquid they call bier. As far as I can tell, it is much like the English "beer," only good. This intoxicating substance is critical to the German culture, serving a fourfold purpose:
1. It quenches their thirst, although not their thirst for conquest.
2. It makes their children-fattened women appear more attractive, encouraging the Germans to have children, thus propagating the race.
3. It relieves any residual guilt over eating said children.
4. It provides them with the drunken impulsiveness that leads to hilarious invasions of France.
Germans love music. Specifically, they love bad music. No German festivity is complete without a bunch of sweaty, overweight guys in knee-high socks and overall shorts playing tubas. Like the blues to America, like the Jitterbug to Jitterbania, the polka is a music that is distinctly German. Whenever a German hears the steady oom-pah-pah of the tuba, the floating tones of the clarinet, the soulful bassooning of the bassoon, and occasionally the freakish yodeling of some fat broad, he cannot help but leap to his feet, put his hand over his heart, and invade the crap out of Belgium.
There you have it - everything you need to know to survive in the event that Oktoberfest sucks you into its gaping maw. You may at some point actually have to converse with a German person. If you have studied this page well, it should save you from uttering such faux pas as "Go back to Germania, German person" that would undoubtedly result in nothing but dirty looks and your house being sacked. I wish you the best of luck, and I'd also like to point out that I got through an entire post about Germans without so much as one mention of Hitler.
Damn.
Oct. 18th, 2004 @ 05:46 pm
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| » Mutant fridge |
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Our fridge is a freak of nature. On its warmest setting, the REFRIDGERATOR part is freezing our drinks. THE FRIDGE is more efficient at FREEZING things than the FREEZER is! But damn...rootbeer tastes good when most of the water freezes and all thats left is sugary and syrupy slush... mmm...
Oct. 3rd, 2004 @ 11:47 pm
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| » Foßball |
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Well, week 4 is fast approaching and my Fantasy Football team is still sucking. So far the Commie Nazis are 1-2-0 with 354 overall points. They're placed 6th out of 12 in the division.
Here's the lineup for week 4:
QB - K. Collins
WR - J. Walker (!)
WR - T. Pinkston (meh)
WR - D. Watts (blech)
RB - A Steker
RB - J. Griffith (blah)
TE - M. Pollard
WR/TE - D. Driver
WR/RB - T. Houshmandzadeh
BN - QB V. Testaverde
BN - RB J. Bettis
BN - QB D. Culpepper (HE'S ON A BYE WEEK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
BN - RB J. Sowell
K - D. Akers (Pretty good)
DEF - Pittsburgh
Recently traded Terell Owens and B. Westbrook and J."Sucks Ass" Garica for Daunte Culpepper... we'll see how that goes...
Sep. 30th, 2004 @ 12:55 pm
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| » George Washington, My Hero! |
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As most of you know, I now attend school at the George Washington University in Washington, D.C. Seeing as how the school is named after Mr. Washington, and the school mascot is a hippo (huh? I don't see the connection), I decided to dedicate this update to George Washington, famed patriot, general, and president of our fledgling nation.
Much has been written about this great patriot and much has been lost to the harsh passage of time...until now! Using a patented technique I like to call "historonomy" and the US Patent Office likes to call "Rejected Patent Submission 250043024-03" I have delved into the great saga of our nation's birth. From this delving I have retrieved previously unknown factoids about George Washington and have interspersed them throughout this biography. Even for those of you who think you know everything about George Washington your world is about to be rocked by a fact-quake weighing in at nine-point-fun on the Richter scale.
THE EARLY YEARS
Born in Westmoreland County, Va., on Feb. 22, 1732, George Washington was the eldest son of Augustine Washington and his second wife, Mary Ball Washington, who were prosperous Virginia gentry of English descent. George spent his early years at the family's estate on the Potomac River, but his father was tragically killed while attempting to breed a horse with a negro to create a race of centaur slaves when George was only 11. He left the estate to live with his elder brother Lawrence who had used powers of hypnotism learned in the Far East to marry into a wealthy Virginia family. To further himself in the upper echelons of society the young Washington trained as a surveyor and gained employment with wealthy British lords in the area. Washington accompanied his brother to Barbados in an effort to cure him of tuberculosis but found he was unable to stop the disease despite a number of ribald shouts at the demons infesting his brother's body. Lawrence died in 1752 and Washington returned to Virginia where he inherited his Mount Vernon estate. In 1753, with a war brewing between the British and the French, Washington cast his lot with the British and became the adjutant of one of Virginia's four military districts.
Many followed a similar career path to Washington's at this time in history, but certain events distinguish his youth prior to the French and Indian War. Some of the best known of these include the time he chopped down a cherry tree and the time he felled a bear using only a buck knife.
-By the age of 19 George Washington had grown to a height of nearly eight feet. He would eventually grow to be over 30 feet tall on a diet of stones, courage, and tree bark.
-Despite some accounts George Washington could not breathe fire. He did on one occasion but this was actually the product of sorcery and not some innate ability.
-A map showing the way to the Ark of the Covenant was burned into the palm of his hand when Washington grasped a medallion from the counter of a burning barroom.
-George Washington could communicate with, but not necessarily command, all of the creatures of the sea. Often he was heard cajoling river carp to fellate him only to be rebuffed as "too femme".
-George Washington did not wear his famed powdered wig during his early years, favoring instead a fade with a dollar sign shaved into the back and a rakishly worn white beret.
-In his youth Washington's false teeth were actually made out of basalt and carved with dread symbols of the dead gods until he was ordered to remove them by the constabulary for frightening children.
-Washington's body was full of a grayish paste-like ichor that would close wounds quickly. So amazing were his regenerative abilities that following a water skiing accident he managed to grow an entire new arm in a matter of minutes. It is rumored that this arm in turn grew a second George Washington that was bearded and had red eyes, although only a few fleeting reports remain of this monstrosity being spotted in the woods of Virginia.
Washington's youth was fairly unremarkable, even considering these recent revelations, but his young-adulthood as an officer in the British colonial was anything but ordinary.
THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR
Washington's first task as supreme commander was to turn a rag tag group of some 14,000 militiamen into an effective fighting force. He achieved much of this by using a book of difficult riddles he kept by his bed. Each morning he would bring a series of soldiers into his tent and would offer them the chance for release from service if they could answer his riddle. If they failed they had to swear an oath to give 110% lest their tongues fall from their head, their brains fly into the sky, and magical scorpions sneak into their boots at night to sting them and infect them with their flesh eating brood. Invariably the soldiers failed to answer Washington's riddles correctly and ended up giving 110%. Only a single man was executed by magical scorpion.
Washington led this fighting force to victory at Ticonderoga but a bitter retreat from New York City. On Christmas Night in 1776 morale received a boost from a daring midnight raid across the Delaware into Trenton, NJ and ultimately routed the British in New Jersey in early January. Late 1777 brought a series of defeats for Washington and he was forced to retire to Valley Forge with his troops for the long and hard winter with morale at an all time low and supplies nearly exhausted. I have discovered a revealing correspondence from Washington to his beloved wife Martha, and I reproduce this here as a testament to the trying winter at Valley Forge:
Dearest Martha,
The war wages on and the winter is hard, but in these most direful moments I draw warmth from the fond memories I hold of you.
Yesterday I lost a soldier in the 2nd Platoon. Losing a man on the field of battle is a terrible thing, but losing a man when the army is bedded down for the winter is truly a tragedy. He contracted Mummy Feveritis from being excessively lazy on guard duty. The physician prescribed daily applications of fresh horse urine to his eyes, but with these his condition only worsened. I ordered him to be beaten with chairs until the demons of sickness were driven out of him, but their foul hold was iron. First Sergeant Hawk attempted to choke him until the demons were exorcised, but this only rendered the poor man unconscious and with a thrice bitten tongue. Fearing that the unnatural pox might spread to the other billeted men I did the only thing I could and had him hanged on a count of deviltry.
Indeed it is a harsh winter here in Valley Forge, but I shall persevere for freedom and for you my dearest Martha.
With greatest love,
George Washington
With the help of Baron von Steuben and eventually the French, Washington managed to defeat the British forces in the North and directed the war in the South against them with intelligence. In 1781 Washington accepted the surrender of British commander Charles Cornwallis, who described Washington in his diary as "A beast of a man capable of tearing the head from a draft horse and commanding troops as would a titan of legend command the waves of the seven seas."
The End
So there you have it--George's tale minus all the boring presidential rubbish. Maybe I'll tell you that tale one of these days, but for now I need to do some actual work. I hope that was enough to satiate your incessant George Washington cravings.
Sep. 21st, 2004 @ 04:30 pm
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| » I'm a victim of the system |
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Attention: I am a bad person. Stay away from me at all costs.
Washington, D.C. - Thursday night, at around 10:05, Gregory Louderback, a GWU student was caught playing "hall ball" on the 7th floor of Lafayette Hall. Two Community Facillitators (CFs), insidiously disguised as students, ambushed Louderback as he played a friendly game of catch with fellow student Ryan DeWard. The CFs, similar in nature to hobgoblins, jumped out of the ventilation shafts and surprised both students. Louderback and DeWard, initially startled, were forced to hand over their GWorld cards for indentification. DeWard craftily pretended he could not locate said card, but the CFs saw straight through his clever ploy. He then tried whining and later, seduction, which also failed miserably. Snarling and clawing, the CFs, who were not even from Lafayette Hall, obtained their names and serial numbers and menacingly stalked away, rambling nonsense about the coming apocalypse and a disciplinary caucus. DeWard was later beriddled by Louderback's roommates, who witnessed the entire encounter, while Louderback was hailed as the martyr of Lafayette. According to a student who wished to remain anonymous, " ...[Louderback] is a true warrior for the rights and freedoms of freshmen everywhere."
More to follow as the story develops.
Sep. 16th, 2004 @ 11:26 pm
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| » Blasphemous Dog |
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I have to read both the books Genesis and Exodus and write an essay on them by Monday.
Fun! No, Wait! Not fun!
Especially since I'm going back home this weekend to see friends and family.
And the fucking bible I picked up is 926 pages long.
Not to mention I still have to finish the goddamn romance novel which i'm falling behind on.
On the brightside, i've been meeting some cool people around campus. Hung out with Amy on sunday and explored the National Mall and Smithsonian museums. Also chilled with Sarah and visited DuPont Circle and the GW campus late Sunday night. We met a cool disillusioned security guard named Jesse who guards the IMF from 11pm-7am. Tonight I ate some awesome barbeque with my roommates and Geoff from next door, and then found the season 1 dvd set of The Dead Zone for only $25. So, naturally, I bought it! If only I had time to watch it!!
I have too much work! Boo college!
Until next time...go to hell, you fwaggits!
Sep. 16th, 2004 @ 12:15 am
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| » two, four, six, eight |
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I cringe whenever hearing that the Republicans are planning some upcoming meeting, convention, or fundraiser not because I hate Republicans, but because I hate anti-Republican protestors even more. These loudmouthed, braindead raving cliches make me want to start voting Republican just to spite them, but naturally I avoid doing so because that would only ensure four more years of unwashed horse-like creatures parading down busy intersections while waving "BU$H IS EVIL" signs they drew with their parents' Magic Markers. The general idea here seems to be that if you are too damn stupid to intelligently explain your position on a few political issues because you often break down into tears when losing arguments to eight-year olds regarding the quality of Willie Wonkie candy, you can compensate for your lack of debate skills by being as loud and belligerent as possible.
The insane liberals, despite how much they claim to loathe insane conservatives, seem to have absolutely no qualms with adopting their awesome policy of forming large groups waving crudely misspelled signs, stomping around public places to disrupt the daily routines of normal non-insane folks, and screaming at everybody they see with the ultimate goal of annoying them into submitting to their wills.
Here's a newsflash you guys and gals who believe George Bush is going to physically break into your bathroom and steal the awesome weed you have hidden in that prescription gout medication bottle next to the Drano: most people might actually listen to you if you present your facts clearly and act confident enough in what you believe in to know that these facts will speak for themselves. Most people will NOT listen to you if you're stomping around and blocking traffic while shouting tremendously catchy slogans like "two, four, six, eight, George Bush is a fucking liar and is Hitler and Satan and fuck you George Bush you cocksucking father of whores." Whenever you bastards begin blocking up traffic and causing me to be delayed, my first two priorities instantly switch to running you down with my car and voting Republican across the boards, not necessarily in that order.
Sep. 7th, 2004 @ 12:04 pm
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| » A heavy thunder breaks the deep lethargy within your head.... |
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"You approach Satan's wretched city where you behold a wide plain surrounded by iron walls. Before you are fields full of distress and torment terrible. Burning tombs are littered about the landscape. Inside these flaming sepulchers suffer the heretics, failing to believe in God and the afterlife, who make themselves audible by doleful sighs. You will join the wicked that lie here, and will be offered no respite. The three infernal Furies stained with blood, with limbs of women and hair of serpents, dwell in this circle of Hell."
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
Fuckin' A, I'm an evil bastard! And a Heretic too! Betcha can't top that you goody-goody losers
With that out of the way: Fallfest was today. Finally saw the LMers that went to GWU like Brian Burack and Robby Weisberg. Also ran into Amy Nane, whom I met at the orientation in June. She's nice and a cool girl, I think I'll hang out with her on Monday. So, Fallfest: long lines for free food, loud music, impossible carnival games, random trinkets. It was ok. I ended up just tossing a football around with my roommates. The Pat McGee band was there but I didn't hang around for them. I went out to Georgetown with Geoff and his roommate and some people from AU. We ate at Johnny Rockets and walked around for awhile. Georgetown is awesome... There are so many cool shops, it reminds me a lot of South Street in Philly... only 10x nicer. So, I also found a Wachovia bank, which is fantastic. I couldn't locate one on campus so Georgetown is the next best thing. When I have more time i'll go explore Georgetown more thoroughly. Now, however, it's time to kick back and relax.
Sep. 4th, 2004 @ 10:37 pm
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| » You Rocca my Socks Off |
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Lessee... recap of today...
1. Woke up around 9:45, breakfast consists of 2 chewy bars (mmm...)
2. Went to English, read aloud my creative story to thunderous (well, not really) applause
3. Lunch... Bought sushi and ate lunch with Alex for a little in her dorm
4. Tried to study for Econ...got distracted by social developments. Played some CoD. Went to 15 minute Econ discussion.
5. Dinner with Geoff and his friend from AU, Greg. Went to Lindy's for burgers. Drunk upperclassmen at the table next to us wanted to buy us a pitcher of beer but the waitress wouldn't let them :(
6. Went to see Mo Rocca at Lisner Auditorium around 8:00. Awesome show, really funny guy!
7. Back to dorm... nothing to do. Played a little Halo with Geoff.
Now i'm sleepy. G'night world.
Sep. 4th, 2004 @ 12:22 am
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| » Edumacate me, gosh darnit |
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Okay, I've finally got this blasted interweb up and working so I will write a long, extremely detailed post on my last few days in college.
Life at GWU is...interesting. I've met some...people. They like to do stuff. Some of the stuff we do is fun. I've met this girl. I like her a lot, but our relationship is confusing...to say the most. One moment she likes me, then next I have no idea what to think. I haven't even seen her all day, and now i'm sad. Classes are tough. I am taking some. I hate studying. I spent too much on books, too. 560 dollars. Weee! Staccato sentences!
Sep. 2nd, 2004 @ 03:54 pm
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| » E-A-G-L-E-S...EAGLES! |
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Yay! I passed my board of review... I'm officially an Eagle Scout from this day forward! Go me!
And...this...
Aug. 26th, 2004 @ 10:45 pm
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| » H - A - L - O, and Halo was its name-o |
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Spent the majority of my day at a grand Halo fest at Nick's house. Picked up Pat on the way over and met Nick, Miller, Mike, Bennett, Charlie, Emily, and Matt over there. Tom stopped by for a few minutes to say goodbye to everyone. He left for Dickenson college today...I won't see him again until the holiday season  .
I didn't have a setup on Nick's xbox so I made a new profile -- "viagra" and began the beatdown. (Warning! lame pun ahead) Lets just say everyone got the medicine they deserved! Hahaha. Somehow I almost always led the game in assists, which I guess is alright, but why can't I just turn them into kills? Eh, I did alright considering I hardly ever play Halo. It was fun though! Probably the last time i'll see any of those guys for a long time.
Anyway, I called up Hypersonic and spoke to a fairly nice customer service rep named Lynn who said my laptop should be shipping tomorrow. It better be, or i'm going to have to slap someone upside the head. If I don't get my laptop before college someone is going to pay dearly. Not only do I have to get it setup, I need to transfer all 4 gigs of music from my Alienware to the laptop which is going to be a major pain in the ass. Worst case scenario is that it comes AFTER I go to GWU, but at least i'll be home on the 16th of September and I can pick it up then. Still, 2.5 weeks without a computer!?  (pardon the emo)
Countdown to college.... 138 hours, 27 minutes  !
Aug. 22nd, 2004 @ 06:34 pm
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| » Extreme Olympics |
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This is what the Olympic events SHOULD be like...( (56k no no no) )
Pfft, no wonder no one watches the Olympics this year. Standard events just aren't exciting us anymore!
~photos courtesy of the talented goons at somethingawful
Aug. 21st, 2004 @ 04:05 pm
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| » Inside the Oval Office... |
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George "President" W. "Dubya" Bush: "Nah, we's gonna bust some caps up in this piece. You down, sheezy-Poweezy? Gonna score some fly honeys on the four-one-one with my P. Diddy Method Man! Downin' Colt .45 on the curb with yo momma! Aye-eeeeeeeeeeeeet!"
Colin Powell: "Mr. President, I appreciate the effort, but for the last time, I'm black, not retarded."
Aug. 21st, 2004 @ 12:26 am
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| » Same old, same old |
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Just your average day...
Went to GWU alumni reception at Boathouse Row. Met many kids from Harriton that will be going there.
Refueled car at a gas station that was being robbed by masked gunmen.
Notified authorities.
Came home.
Tired.
Time to play Doom 3.
Aug. 19th, 2004 @ 11:02 pm
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drwreck's journal